Beard oil and mince pies – it’s Christmas in July

So, it’s July. And the Law of Media decrees that we must turn our thoughts to Christmas. At least, this is the law if you’re writing for glossy monthly magazines, where they work so far ahead that Yuletide editions genuinely are being put together right now, in the (don’t laugh) ‘summer’.

This year is the first time that many Christmas in July shows have also invited bloggers.

This confuses the bloggers – I don’t know what I’m having for tea tonight, why the frack have I been invited to this? they say.

Fear not lads – just take the highly sophisticated ‘leave all the info in a bag under your desk until October’ method. Works for me.

It has to be said, these events can be dull, even painful; with snooty PRs who visibly wither when they hear you’re not from a glossy. And then there are the good ones, full of friendly people and lush products that make you wish it really was a bit closer to the festive season.

Being a bit pushed for time this year, I’m only planning to go to the good events. That is, the good ones I’ve been invited to. We don’t talk about the rest.

So yesterday I oiled up my stompy boots and hopped on the 10:19 to Victoria.

First stop, Tesco, where I almost succeeded in overdosing on chocolate:Tesco Christmas in July


Yes, that is an entire chocolate cake posing as a Christmas cracker. What a work of art. Too good to eat, almost.

Almost, but not quite.

Tesco also had some terrific retro gifts and a Star Wars-themed XBox Kinect which is now ON MY LIST:


Tesco Christmas in July show

Then, to John Lewis, which always puts on a beautiful show, and a nice line in crazy Christmas trees:john lewis christmas in july


I think John Lewis is going to be the best place for man-gifts this yearjohn lewis christmas in july beard oil
So here we have Beard Oil, for shining up your face fur; touchscreen gloves that you don’t have to take off to operate your smartphone or iPad and the record sleeve frame you can open any time you feel like caressing The Stone Roses.

And here’s a gift for everybody – the party wok. Yes those are actually six teeny little woks that you’re meant to schloop around with at parties cooking your ass off. Do people actually do that? Man, but parties have changed. Get your woks on, people.

party woks


And for those of you who fundamentally disagree with thinking about matters festive when it’s still nominally summer, Tesco have a message for you, in cake:bah humbug christmas in july