So I went to Paris and bought these spa gloves and now all my family are laughing at me and calling me Muppet Hands.
It all started when I got let loose in Sephora on the Boulevard Saint-Germain.
Sephora is an international beauty store which seems to exist everywhere in the world apart from the UK. I both love and deeply fear Sephora.
I love it because it’s full of beautiful things in pretty colours and is laid out a lot like a candy store. However, the assistants are terrifying.
Initially they’re very helpful, but they have this kind of trick they play where they ask what you want, then openly sneer when you say what you’re looking for, because you’ve just revealed yourself to be an unsophisticated hick with terrible taste in beauty products. I’ve shopped in various Sephoras around the world and it happens every time. And I totally fall for it by going into needy child mode and thinking Please be my friend lipstick lady and please take all my money while you’re at it.
This time I went for the whirlwind sweep around the shop, which is how come I ended up picking up the spa gloves. They were in the sale, they were half price. It would’ve been rude not to.
When I got home I discovered why they were in the sale. First of all, they’re very very heavy. I thought they were the sort of spa gloves where you put on lots of hand cream and wear them for a while. In fact, the gloves are lined with a gel, and the gel is made of various oils with added vitamin E. Honestly, they weigh a ruddy ton.
They’re also MASSIVE. Jaime Lannister could fit his golden hand in there for sure. They flap around off the end of my fingers like pink flannel sheets in the wind. So forget about doing anything else when you’re wearing them – no touchscreen typing or texting for you. You can wave at a fellow passing Muppet and that’s about it.
In theory you’re supposed to wear them overnight to let the oils penetrate the skin, but I haven’t been able to test that out on account of how stupid they look. Wear them whilst with a partner and they’ll never be able to look you in the eye again. Wear them alone and you’re some lonely sadsack with nothing but Muppet hands for company. There’s just no elegant way to get around it.
So all I’m left with is wearing them for a few minutes at a time, for personal amusement, as shown above. Keeps me off the streets I suppose. Also they are very good for teenager wrangling because you can threaten to wear them when their friends come round. Preferably whilst singing this: