As it turned out, my fashion fretting was unfounded, as I was given a delightful jacket to wear on the speedboat, which had the added bonus of making me look the size of a small house.
And I wore my lucky clogs, which I was also wearing when I met Take That, so they are the very epitome of good fortune. I wasn’t taking any chances.
This gives you a phone’s eye flavour of the trip:
Just after this was filmed, the speedboat revved up considerably and lurched about in the water in that Am I going to tip you out?…Maybe…Maybe not kind of way that rollercoasters do. Couldn’t film that as I was too busy squealing like a piglet on piglet’s pay day.
After that we retired to a posh hotel for lunch, during which TV sports and travel presenter Craig Doyle popped in to say hello. Nice bloke, doesn’t mind posing for app-pics (as you can see here) and I was very taken by his justification for having 4 kids under 8: “Ach, sure, what else is there to do in life?”. Quite.
Now although a bunch of bloggers had been invited on this outing, none of us really knew exactly why we were there. Turned out it was all about the launch of a cool-sounding new activity holiday website called iExplore. It’s for people who like to have exciting new experiences on holiday. Like speedboating, for example. Ah, I see. It all makes sense now.
And continuing in the theme of I’m Not Sure Why I’m Here But I’ll Give it a Go, later that night I tootled along to the Mumsnet Family Friendly Awards.
I briefly considered making a badge that said I look shit because I’ve been on a speedboat, what’s your excuse? but decided against that on the grounds that it was incredibly aggressive and insulting. See, I do have a few social skills. Not many, but one or two.
However, I must admit that I was feeling rather deranged at this point in the day.
So when I arrived at the Mumsnet Awards and was greeted by a receiving line of Boden-clad Mumsnet ladies, I instantly hollered:
I’VE BEEN ON A SPEEDBOAT TODAY!
To which they graciously replied
And I hollered back
I WISH I WAS!
Which was not true at all, I was very happy about having been on a speedboat. I don’t know why I said that. Put it down to the derangement.
It gets worse.
My Twitter buddy @MmeLindor demanded news of the event, so I twitpic-ed her the important bits – the bar and the food.
Then it was in to the main hall for the awards ceremony and a very interesting discussion about family friendly working, led by Emily Maitlis from Newsnight.
This being a modern sort of event, tweets about it were also scrolling on a big screen. In general these tweets were rather bumlicky: @bigbrand Off to fab #Mumsnetawards, @megaPR So excited about amazing #Mumsnetawards sort of thing.
Until my tweets started popping up on screen
@joannemallon – The bar! #Mumsnetawards
@joannemallon – The canapes! #Mumsnetawards
For shame! We were supposed to be bigging up the family friendly vibe, and all I was doing was bigging up the wine and crisps. And the tweetshow was on a loop, so I had the pleasure of cringeing everytime they came round and got broadcast to 120 VIPs. Trust me to bring down the tone. I don’t think I’ll be invited back.
Still, I survived the speedboat, that’s the main thing.
UPDATE, SEVERAL YEARS LATER
I never was invited back.