Ever since we made our Build a Bear Smurfs, The Offspring have been slavering at the prospect of The Smurf Movie.
I have not. The smell of this one had started wafting our way, and it wasn’t good. I tried to dump it on to JH, but he pointed that he had already visited his own seventh circle of cinema hell in the shape of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.
So yesterday we did the deed and went to see The Smurf Movie. And yes, the children did enjoy the film. Personally, I felt it was a horrible waste of everyone involved’s time.
Parents, if like me you get sucked into the vortex of hype that is The Smurfs, here are a few tips to help you endure the experience:
- Avoid the 3D
Have you seen how much the feckers are charging for that stuff nowadays? Your kids won’t care if it’s 2D, and you can spend the £2 per ticket surcharge (or “3D uplift” in cinema-speak) on gin. Plus most of the cinema chains are a bit cheaper on a Tuesday. More gin.
- Pimp up your snacks
The worse the film, the better your munchies need to be to keep you awake. Put in a double order for vintage champagne, posh nuts and the world’s biggest ice cream.
- Play Spot the Smurf Cameo
The film’s credits revealed some really interesting names who need to sack their agents. Pee Wee Herman, didn’t expect to see you here! That guy from The Office, did you have a tax bill to pay or something?
- Watch Sex and the City 2 just before you go
That particular steaming pile of ordure makes any other movie look Oscar-worthy in comparison. As bad movies go, it’s not even at the bottom of the pile – it’s about six floors below that, in hell.
- Bring booze
The days when you could smoke in the cinema are long gone, but everyone loves a hip flask, especially someone suffering in the name of parenthood
- Plan something much more interesting to do after the movie
It doesn’t have to be much – a root canal at the dentist’s would be a relief after 100 minutes of The Smurfs.
Somebody tell me, why do films aimed at children too young to see unaccompanied have to be such a chore for their parents? The likes of Rango (a film we all enjoyed) are too few and far between.